SATIRE: New York man jailed for being friendly on public transportation

After lending someone his seat on the MTA, a man was arrested in New York City. The NYPD explained that the man’s offense was particularly reprehensible.

“He willingly gave up his seat to an able-bodied citizen with over 30 minutes left on his commute,” NYPD representatives said. “It’s irresponsible.”

Among those appalled at the man’s actions was New York’s director of public transportation.

“We have strict rules when it comes to riding the MTA,” the director explained. “It’s very clear that you need to manspread across three seats whenever possible. If you have empty seats next to you, it’s best to not look up. Wearing headphones or pretending to sleep in the seat closest to the aisle is recommended.”

While everyone occasionally slips up and shares a smile on their commute, the NYPD had been tracking the defendant’s actions for months. He was a repeated offender.

“At first we thought maybe he was from out of town,” NYPD reps said. “We’ve seen a number of tourists act friendly toward others, but we’ve never seen this from locals and we’ve observed his welcoming tendencies for months. It makes New Yorkers look bad. He once paid for someone’s ticket. What’s next, asking someone how their day is going?”

A NYC woman sat next to the man on multiple occasions and witnessed his repeated good deeds against humanity.

“He said, “Bless you,” when I sneezed,” the woman remembered. “Minutes later he had the nerve to compliment me in a non-sexual way. There was clearly something wrong with him.”

Despite the defendant heading to jail, a number of transportation staffers were distraught upon hearing about the incidents. An MTA conductor explained his disappointment in between train departures.

“It’s just not right,” the conductor said while inhaling deeply to savor the smell of feces and trash filling Grand Central Terminal. “There’s a reason I mumble the name of every stop, and it’s not to help people on the train, I can tell you that much.”

The man’s attorney hopes to use an insanity plea to get his client off the hook.

“A New Yorker being nice?” his attorney scoffed. “We’ve got this in the bag.”



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